Strong second in command...

Hagar seemed preoccupied with some thought. On asking he responded, “I am searching for a strong second in command, someone with courage and determination. Someone who can deal with difficult people and someone who can excel in hand to hand combat!”. After a patient hearing the listener replied, “How about your wife?”. Hagar may dare to ponder over the suggestion, but I and some of my likeminded friends will never, because we are thankfully not blessed with a wife. Almighty has been little kinder to us.

I am in a phase of life where people in my country think it is high time to get married. People are neighbors, married friends who do not wish to see their bachelor friend’s happy and finally parents. A caring neighbor will lose his sleep over an unmarried person in locality, they in turn will make all the arrangements to pass insomnia to the already suffering family, especially the unfortunate guy. The same neighbor would be compassionate towards a spinster by saying, “so pretty girl but unfortunate in not getting the right proposal”, on the other hand for a bachelor the comments would be poles apart, “the guy has some problems, otherwise why would not he get the right proposal?”

It is a midlife crisis that I am passing thru. If I hang-out with guys for outings and party, neighbor’s conclusion will be confirmed about my problem and they would not want to do any litmus test on my likings. Fully and finally I will be classed in “Dostana” category. To prove them wrong, if I go around with girls, I will be casted as characterless and socially boycotted. Under any circumstances I will be a loser and will be put under social discrimination. I have tried to find a mid path so that I am spared, I stay within myself, no going out. I know, it is a dumb way but I am happy to be tagged “self-content” rather than “characterless” or whatever.

As I stay away from parents only twice a year I had to face the difficult environment. Still manageable but these days it is even challenging to attend parties and social gatherings, friend’s wives are more concerned about my marital status. Brows are raised and weird embarrassing questions are asked by their better halves. My bosom friends pass me cunning smile from behind their wives to see me in awkward position. Very often I smartly change the topic, also at times I keep myself engrossed in other sundry things to bail myself out. A good friend of mine uses a different technique, he says, “his girl friend has ditched him.”, he artfully creates a sympathetic ground and avoids volleys of question.

I desperately wanted to stay away from such places. I guess that was an unrealistic “want”. The other day a young team member of mine sent me an email with some attachment. She wanted me to choose someone from the attached snap. I opened the attachment and found a bunch of beautiful girls standing in a group, promoting a brand. Initially, I thought the snap was from her college, only later to find the snap was of all the contenders competing Miss India ’09. Cruel world, nobody misses a chance to wash hands in flowing water. Being a software engineer we are taught to do a fish bone analysis for every problem. For me at present such things are no less than a problem. So, I did my analysis, inferences, ultimately a conclusion that was straightforward. If I get married all this will be put to end and along with, a series of never ending problems will crop.

Subsequent to marriage a guy loses to be sensitive towards self, lose to be sensible either, will also lose the right to speak, forget about speaking the complete truth (he would rather disclose truth that would make her happy), at times also lose his home for couple of nights (we call it night out). If he dares to breach the set of above laws (it is partial list and there are so many undocumented laws) even god will be powerless.

A smart wife (actually all better halves are smart) will always find a way to know about husband’s schedule when he is out of sight. He cannot remain at ease anytime and should be prepared to receive her calls, citing not so convincing cause. The first question invariably would be, “where are you?”, I and all my married friends will agree that this is the only answer she is interested in, rest of the discussion is filler. How do I know? Courtesy my friends whom I meet over cup of tea, which they dare to declare to their respective better halves. They have reasons to hide, of course who wants to face a firing squad after returning home? Better not to divulge and buy peace of mind and better treatment at home.

An intelligent guy will never get into an argument with his wife, as he does not stand a chance to win. Worst would be if he gets sucked into a heated discussion and wife threatens to leave home at the dead of night. He should be ever willing to oblige her by leaving home first, otherwise he may see himself in the morning daily or he may be talk of the colony next morning for wrong reason. In place of unwanted publicity he may have to spend the night at someplace else, probably at an unmarried friend’s place like mine. No, he cannot ask for shelter at any married friend’s house that will be cause of embarrassment for his better half.
If you have a married boss and you are fed up of his abuses and scolding’s don’t be upset, just show your pity on him, because this is how he is treated at home. He is as weak in front of home ministry, as you are in front of him. Unluckily, he has found an easy target in you to excrete his frustration.

Hindsight, I have decided it is still a long way for me to go and experience such extremes of life at the cost of freedom. I will love to be reason of jealousy for all my married friends.
Someone has rightly said, just before his marriage, “Happiness is not everything in life.”